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A Meowing Minstrel I Part 2
A Meowing Minstrel I Part 2 is the second part of a fan-made crossover written by Rigsrigsrigs10918 and Disneydude15. Premise The Pound Puppies and Friends, along with the Tiny Toons, act out the final part of the Mikado. Plot Part One (Picking up where the first part left off, Calamity Coyote, still in his tuxedo, walks on stage, bows to the audience and starts conducting the orchestra as the curtains open. The overture begins as Cooler enters.) Cooler: Welcome back to Titipu. When we last left the cast of this operetta, Nanki Poo has been reunited with his lover, Yum Yum, but was still saddened by the fact that Yum Yum was not only engaged to Koko, but Koko was also promoted to Lord High Executioner. However, the tables of fate have been turned when Koko, Pooh Bah, Pish Tush, Go To, and I learn from the Mikado that unless an execution is carried out, Titipu will be reduced to a village and Koko will be going back to the chopping block. Thinking fast, he picked Nanki Poo to be the substitute and agreed that Koko will execute Nanki Poo in a month if he could let Nanki Poo marry Yum Yum. All was peaches and cream when Nanki Poo and Yum Yum finally engage in front of all of Titipu's citizens, including me and Pooh Bah, until Katisha, a woman whom the Mikado chose as the daughter-in-law elected, saw Nanki Poo and Yum Yum and unleashed her rage. It wasn't long until everybody scared Katisha by telling her off, but not before she vowed to get her revenge. And now, we continue our rendition of Gilbert and Sullivan's the Mikado. (Cooler leaves as the overture ends. As the first song begins, Fifi La Fume, Babs Bunny, Elaine, and a chorus of women enter. Babs Bunny and Elaine get ready for the wedding.) Chorus: (Singing) Braid the raven hair, weave the supple dress. Deck the maiden fair in her loveliness. Paint the pretty face, dial the coral lips, emphasize the grace of her ladyship. Art and nature, this allied, go to make a pretty bride. (Babs massages Fifi's feet while Elaine brushes Fifi's hair.) Babs: (Singing) Sit with downcast eye, let it brim with dew, try if you can cry, we will do so too. When your summoned heart like a frightened roe, flutter little heart, color, come and go! Modesty at marriage tide well becomes a pretty bride. Modesty at marriage tide well becomes a pretty bride. (The song ends as Babs and Elaine put a rose in Fifi's hair and the chorus leaves.) Fifi: Yes, I am indeed elegant. I often thought to myself why I am the most beautiful girl in all of Japan. Am I a child of vanity? No. I am a child of nature, for nature is beauty and I inherited my beauty from my mother... (Fifi stands up and holds a fan with a beautiful sun design as the next song begins.) Fifi: (Singing) The sun whose rays are all ablaze with ever living glory, does not deny his majesty he scorns to tell a story. He won't exclaim "I blush for shame so kindly be indulgent!" but fierce and bold in fiery gold he glories all effulgent. I am to rule the earth as he the sky. We really know our worth, the sun and I! I mean to rule the earth as he the sky, we really know our worth the sun and I! (Fifi slowly flips the fan, as the back of fan shows a moon design. The screen splits in two as the right side of the screen shows Furrball playing his shamisen to Buster, Darius, Cooler, and Marcus.) Furrball: (Singing) Observe his flame, that placid dame, the moon's celestial highness, has not a trace upon her face of diffidence or shyness. She borrows light that, through the light, mankind may all acclaim her. And truth be tell, she lights up well, so I, for once, don't blame her. Fifi: (Singing) Ah, pray make no mistake, we are not shy... Furrball: (Singing) We're really wide awake, the moon and I! Both: (Singing) Ah, pray make no mistake, we are not shy. We're really wide awake, the moon and I. (The camera angle on the right slides out as the song ends.) Fifi: Yes. Everything seems to smile upon me. Soon, I'll be married to the man I love. I am the happiest girl in Japan! Babs The happiest girl indeed. But... Fifi: But? Elaine: You still remember that Nanki Poo will be executed in a month, do you? Fifi: Well... Well... (Sadly) I think it's very insensitive of you bring up a subject like that in a time like this! If my marriage is going to be cut short in a month... (crying) can't you let me forget?! (Fifi cries as Babs and Elaine, feeling guilty, comfort her. Furrball, Buster, Marcus, Cooler, Darius, Cleopatra, and Nose Marie enter. Furrball notices Fifi sobbing and goes to comfort her. Buster, Marcus, Cooler, Darius, Cleopatra, and Nose Marie feel sorry for Fifi.) Furrball: Yum Yum in tears and on her wedding day? Fifi: (Sobbing) Yes. I have remembered that you will be beheaded in a month! Babs and Elaine: It's quite true. You were to be beheaded in a month. Furrball: A month? What's a month to us? Let's imagine if our marriage lasted longer. Just think, Yum Yum. We can call each second a minute, each minute an hour, each hour a day, each day a year, each year a decade! Nose Marie: And at that rate, this talk has lasted... Cleopatra: Four hours and forty five minutes, I believe. Fifi: How time flies when one is enjoying one's self! Furrball: That's the way to look at it. There's a silver lining to every cloud. Fifi: Let's be perfectly happy. Darius: By all means, let's... let's thoroughly enjoy ourselves. Babs: It's absurd to cry. Fifi: Quite ridiculous. (All gather around as the next song begins.) Fifi: (Singing) Brightly dawns our wedding day... All: (Singing) Joyous hour we give thee greeting, whither wither, art thou fleeting, fickle moment pretty stay, fickle moment pretty stay. Darius, Marcus, Cooler, and Buster: (Singing) What though mortal joys be hollow? Cleopatra, Elaine, Nose Marie, and Babs: (Singing) Pleasures come if sorrows follow. All: (Singing) Though the tocsin sound ere long.... (Fifi and Furrball sing "Though the tocsin sound ere long" while the rest sing "ding dong" at the same time. ) All: (Singing) Ding, dong. Ding, dong. Yet until the shadows fall, over one and over all. Fifi: (Singing) Sing a merry madrigal... All: (Singing) Sing a merry madrigal, sing a merry madrigal. (All sing "Fa, la, la, la..." through the rest of the song until all of them become sad.) All: (Singing) Fa, la, la, la. (The song ends as Fifi and Furrball smile and embrace each other while everyone else, saddened, leaves. Catgut enters and becomes disgusted.) Catgut: YUCK! (The sudden burst startles Furrball and Fifi) Catgut: Oh, go on, don't mind me. Furrball: I'm afraid we're distressing you. Catgut: Never mind. I must get used to your affection for one another. Fifi: Would you like to retire? It must pain you to see us together. Catgut: No no. Go on, Nanki Poo... kiss her. (Furrball and Fifi kiss and Catgut gives a disgusted look to the audience.) Catgut: Thank you very much... for this simple torture. Fifi: Cheer up. It's only for a month. Catgut: No, my bride-was-to-have-been. Fifi: I'm sorry? Catgut: You can never be mine. (Overjoyed, Fifi and Furrball were about to embrace when...) Catgut: Uh uh uh! I have just received the news that if a married man is beheaded... hehehe... (menacingly) His wife is buried alive. Furrball and Fifi: (Horrified) BURIED ALIVE?! Catgut: Buried alive. It's an unfortunate death if you ask me. Furrball: Who did you get that from?! Catgut: From Pooh Bah, my solicitor. And remember, married men never flirt... Furrball: You're right. They don't. Fifi: Being buried alive is such a stuffy death. Doesn't that make a difference? Furrball: It does. I guess that if I can't risk having you being buried alive... you'll have to marry Ko Ko at once. (After hearing this, Catgut dances around happily while Fifi comes upstaged as the next song begins.) Fifi: (Singing) Here's a how-de-do! If I marry you, when your time has come to perish, then the maiden who you cherished must be slaughtered too. Here's a how-de-do! Here's a how-de-do! (Furrball comes upstage.) Furrball: (Singing) Here's a pretty mess. In a month or less, I must die without a wedding, let the bitter tears I'm shedding, witness my distress. Here's a pretty mess! Here's a pretty mess. (Catgut comes upstage, pushing Furrball out of the way.) Catgut: (Singing) Here's a state of things, to her life he clings, matrimonial devotion doesn't to suit her notion, burial it brings. Here's a state of things, here's a state of things. (Furrball gets in between Fifi and Catgut and holds Fifi's hand.) Fifi and Furrball: (Singing) With a passion that's intense I worship and adore... Catgut: (Singing) But the laws of common sense you ought not to ignore. If what I say is true... Fifi and Furrball: (Singing) It's death to marry you! All: (Singing) Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty how de do! Here's a pretty state of things, a pretty state of things! Fifi: (Singing) Here's a how de... Furrball: (Singing) Here's a how de... Catgut: (Singing) Here's a how de do! For if what I say is true... Furrball and Fifi: (Singing) I cannot, cannot marry you! All: (Singing) Here's a pretty, pretty state of things.... (Speaking) Here's a pretty how de do! (The song ends as Fifi sadly leaves as Furrball tries to stop her.) Catgut: My poor boy, I'm very sorry. Furrball: It's all right. However... Catgut: However what? Furrball: I can't live without Yum Yum. Therefore, I shall perform a happy dispatch with (pulls out a noose) this rope! Catgut: (Shocked) No! Don't do that! (Catgut smacks the rope out of Furrball's hand.) Catgut: If you were to end your life, what's going to happen to me?! I might have to be executed myself! Marcus: (Off-screen) Lord Ko Ko! (Marcus enters, exhausted.) Catgut: Now what is it? Marcus: The Mikado is coming! He'll be here to check up on how you did! Catgut: Now look here, Nanki Poo. A bargain's a bargain and you can't go back in your word. Furrball: Very well then. (Furrball bows.) Furrball: Go right ahead. Behead me. Catgut: Now?! Marcus: Chop it off, Ko Ko. Catgut: I... I can't do it! I haven't done any executions before! I have to begin with a guinea pig and work my way up to the animal kingdom before I can do so. I'm sorry. I can't kill you... I can't kill anybody. Furrball: Well, like you said before, a bargain's a bargain and it must be done. (Catgut gets an idea.) Catgut: I got it! Why should I kill you when I can make up a little lie about having you executed? You can still marry Yum Yum. Furrball: But who's going to let me Yum Yum? Marcus: I will. I am the Lord High Everything Else, after all. And will you pay me handsomely, Lord Ko Ko? Catgut: Yes, yes! Go and fetch her! (Marcus leaves.) Catgut: Now take Yum Yum, marry her, go away, and never come back! (Marcus and Fifi enter.) Catgut: Yum Yum, are you busy? Fifi: Not really... Catgut: Then go right ahead and marry Nanki Poo. Fifi: Oh! Furrball: But... (Music can be heard playing.) Catgut: Don't ask questions! Get going! (All leave.) Part Two (The ensemble enters as the next song begins.) Ensemble: (Singing in Japanese) Miya-Sama, Miya-Sama, on uma no mae ni? Pira pira suru no wa nan gia na? Toko tonyare tonyare na. (The ensemble spins around.) Ensemble: (Singing in English) Noble prince, noble prince, what is that thing which is fluttering in front of your majesty's horse? Toko tonyare tonyare na. (The ensemble bows as Cary and Celia, playing the Mikado and Sen Sen, followed by Michelle, Buster, Elaine, Cleopatra, Darius, Cooler, Nose Marie, Gamma, Bright Eyes, Precious, Mr. and Mrs. Vanderfeller, Mr. and Mrs. Bigelow, Little Beeper, and Momo enter.) Cary: (Singing) From every kind of men, obedience I expect. I'm the emperor of Japan... Michelle: (Singing) And I'm his daughter-in-law elect. He'll marry his son, (whispering while winking) he's only got one, (aloud) to his daughter-in-law elect. Cary: (Singing) My morals have been particularly correct. Michelle: (Singing) But they're nothing at all compared with those of his daughter in law elect. Bow! (The ensemble bows.) Michelle: (Singing) Bow, to his daughter in law elect. All except Michelle, Cary and Celia: (Singing) Bow! Bow, to his daughter in law elected. (Michelle prances around as the ensemble bows again.) Cary: (Singing) In fatherly kind of way, I governed each tribe and sect. All cheerfully own my sway... Michelle: (Singing) Except his daughter in law elect. (Showing off her muscles) As tough as a bone with a will of her own is his daughter in law elect. Cary: (Singing) My nature is love and live, I'm free from all defect... Michelle: (Singing) Is insignificantly quite compared to his daughter in law elect. Bow! Bow, to his daughter in law elect. All except Cary, Celia and Michelle: (Singing) Bow, bow to his daughter in law elect. (The ensemble bows again. Cary comes upstage as the next song begins.) Cary: (Singing) A more human Mikado never did in Japan exist. To nobody second, I'm certainly reckon a true philanthropist. It is my very humane endeavor to make to some extent this evil liver a running river of harmless merriment. My object's all sublime, I shall achieve in time, to let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime. And make each prisoner pent unwillingly represent a source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment. (Cary dances around. All the men gather around Cary.) Cary: (Singing) All prosy dull society sinners who chatter and bleat and bore are sent to hear sermons from mystical Germans who preach from ten til four. The amateur tenor whose vocal villainies all desire to shirk will during off hours exhibit his powers to Madame Tussaud's waxwork. (Looking at Michelle) The lady who dyes a chemical chestnut or stains her gray hair puce or pinches her figure with painted vinegar and permanent walnut juice. The idiot who in railway carriages scribbles on window panes will only suffer to ride on a buffer in parliamentary trains! (Cary starts laughing then emits a screech to startle the men.) Cary: (Singing) My object's all sublime, I shall achieve in time, to let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime. And make each prisoner pent unwillingly represent a source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment. All except Cary, Celia and Michelle: (Singing) His object's all sublime, he shall achieve in time, to let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime. And make each prisoner pent unwillingly represent a source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment. (Cary starts dancing again. The women except Celia and Michelle gather around Cary.) Cary: (Singing) The politician quacks who weary with tales of corruption cures, their teeth, I've enacted, shall all be extracted by giggling amateurs. The musical singer attends a series of masses ans fugues and ops by Bach interwoven with Spohr and Beethoven at classical Monday pops. The billiard shark who anyone catches his doom's extremely hard, he's made to dwell in a dungeon cell on a spot that's always barred. And there he plays extravagant matches in fitless finger stalls, on a cloth untrue with a twisted cue and elliptical billiard balls. (Cary laughs again and screeches, startling the women.) Cary: (Singing) My object's all sublime, I shall achieve in time, to let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime. And make each prisoner pent unwillingly represent a source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment. All except Cary, Celia and Michelle: (Singing) His object's all sublime, he shall achieve in time, to let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime. And make each prisoner pent unwillingly represent a source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment. (The song ends as Cary goes by Celia and everyone else bows. Catgut, Babs and Marcus enter and bow to him.) Catgut: Your majesty! We have news for you. Cary: Yes? Catgut: An execution has been taken place and we have proof. (Marcus hands Cary the certificate of death.) Cary: Oh! I see. At Titipu, the execution has taken place under the witness of the Lord High Everything Else. Catgut: Believe me, your highness, this prisoner had gigantic strength. You should have been there. Cary: Describe it! (Catgut, with an uneasy look on his face, thinks for a moment and gets an idea as the next song begins.) Catgut: (Singing) The criminal cried as they dropped him down in a state of wild alarm. With a frightful frantic fearful frown, (rolling up his sleeves) I bear my big right arm. (Pantomiming grabbing someone) I seized him by his little pigtail and on his knees fell he, as he squirmed and struggled and gurgled and guggled, I drew (pulling out his ax) my snicker-snee, my snicker-snee. Oh, never shall I forget the cry of a shriek that shrieked he. As I gnashed my teeth, when from its sheath, I drew my snicker-snee. Crowd: (Singing) We know him well he cannot tell untrue and groundless tales. He always tries to utter lies and every time he fails. (Babs steps up while the ensemble whispers.) Babs: I'll tell you more, your majesty. I was a witness too. (Babs grabs Dumbo and Dumbo sits down with his feet apart as the song resumes) Babs: (Singing) He shivered and shook as he gave the sign for the stroke he didn't deserve. When all of a sudden, (turns Dumbo towards her) his eyes met mine and it seemed to grace his nerve, for he nodded his head and kissed his hand and whistled an air did he, as (putting her finger on Dumbo's throat) the sabre true (does a throat slash gesture on Dumbo's neck and Dumbo gets frightened) cut cleanly through his cervical vertebrae, his vertebrae. (Dumbo slowly crawls back into the crowd.) Babs: (Singing) When a man's afraid, a beautiful maid is a cheering sight to see. And it's, oh, I'm glad that moment sad would sooth by sight of me. Crowd: (Singing) Her terrible tale you can't assail, with truth it quite agrees. Her taste exact for faultless fact amounts to a disease. (Marcus steps up.) Marcus: And as the Lord High Witness, I'll tell exactly what happened afterwards. (Singing) Now though you have said the head was dead, for its owner dead was he. It stood on its neck with a smile well-bred and bowed three times to me. (Babs and Catgut facepalm and go by him.) Marcus: (Singing) It was none of your impudent off-head nods but as humble as can be for it clearly knew the difference due to a man of pedigree... (Babs and Catgut try to catch his attention.) Marcus: (Singing) Of pedi- (Catgut kicks him) GREE! (Marcus looks down at Catgut.) Marcus: You do that again, Lord Ko Ko, and I'll give you such a Japanese pinch! (The crowd gasps and Catgut and Babs slowly back off.) Marcus: (Singing) And it's, oh, I vow that deathly bow was a touching sight to see. Though trunkless yet, it couldn't forget the difference due to me. Crowd: (Singing) This haughty youth, he speaks the truth whenever he finds it pays, and in this case, it all took place, exactly as he says. Marcus, Babs, Catgut, and Crowd: (Singing) Exactly, exactly, exactly, exactly as he says. (The crowd leaves as the song ends.) Cary: Very interesting! I wish I had been there for the performance. Michelle: Me too. Did I ever tell you how beautiful I look? Catgut: Well, I... Michelle: My face may be plain, but I have a beautiful body. Notice my shoulder blade and my circulation. Catgut: (Aside) And yet, Nanki Poo fled. Cary: Now, you three are wondering why I came here. Catgut, Babs and Marcus: Yes? (Michelle takes a look at the certificate.) Cary: You see, a year ago, Katisha proposed to my son, but my son fled under the guise of a wandering musician. (Catgut, Babs and Marcus are shocked.) Catgut, Babs and Marcus: (Shocked) A wandering musician?! Cary: Yes. I believe his name was... (trying to think) Darn it, I forgot what his name is. Celia: Nanki Poo, dear. Cary: Oh, yes! Nanki Poo. Catgut: Oh! Well, you see, Nanki Poo has gone abroad. Cary: Gone abroad? (Michelle screams in horror.) Cary: What's wrong?! Michelle: (Showing Cary the certificate) See here! Nanki Poo has been beheaded! Cary: My son?! Beheaded?! (Celia faints as Buster catches her.) Michelle: (Crying) Oh, where should I find another? (Gamma looks at Catgut, Babs and Marcus as the trio tremble.) Gamma: You do realize that you have just executed the son of the Mikado? You shall face punishment for this. Catgut, Babs and Marcus: (Horrified) Punishment?! Gamma: Yes. Either by boiling oil or melted lead! Catgut: But I... Gamma: Not a word more, Ko Ko! You will be executed at lunch. Can you wait until then? Catgut, Babs and Marcus: (Sadly) Yes, we can wait until then. Gamma: Splendid. Marcus: (Crying) But I'm not even hungry! Cary: Come, come, cheer up. I'm sure that there are no hard feelings. (Cary pulls out his fan as the next song begins.) Gamma: (Singing) See how the fates their gifts alott, for A is happy, B is not. Cary: (Singing) Yet B is worthy, I dare say, of more prosperity than A. Catgut, Babs and Marcus: (Singing) Is B more worthy? Michelle: (Singing) I should say he's worth a great deal more than A. All: (Singing) Yet A is happy. Oh, so happy. Laughing, haha, chaffing haha, nectar quaffing, hahaha! Ever joyous on this day, happy, undeserving A. Ever joyous on this day, happy, undeserving A. (Marcus, Catgut and Babs huddle around.) Catgut, Babs and Marcus: (Singing) If I were fortune, which I'm not, B should enjoy a happy lot and A should die in misery... (The rest listen in on their conversation.) Catgut, Babs and Marcus: (Singing) That is assuming I am B. Cary, Celia, Michelle, Buster, Elaine, Cleopatra, Darius, Cooler, Nose Marie, Gamma, Bright Eyes, Precious, Mr. and Mrs. Vanderfeller, Mr. and Mrs. Bigelow, Little Beeper, and Momo: (Singing) But should A perish? Catgut, Babs and Marcus: (Singing) That should be! (Gamma glares at the trio.) Catgut, Babs and Marcus: (Singing, frightened) Of course assuming I am B. All: (Singing) B should be happy, oh so happy, laughing l, haha, chaffing haha, nectar quaffing, hahaha! But condemned to die is he, wretched meritorious B. But condemned to die is he, wretched meritorious B. (All except Marcus, Elaine, Buster, Babs, Cagut, Darius, and Cooler leave as the song ends.) Catgut: (To Marcus) Well, this is a nice mess you've gotten us into with your nonsensical story about nodding heads and differences due to a man of pedigrees! Marcus: I was only trying to give a little artistic and perogrative detail to our story. Babs: Perogrative detail, ha! More like perogrative fairy tales! Catgut: And you were just as bad as he is with your catching eyes and whistling airs! You're full of it, the both of you. Marcus: And what about your big, right arm? Babs: And your snicker-snee? Catgut: Well... never mind that now. Nanki Poo is our last hope. (Furrball and Fifi enter.) Catgut: (Singsong) Oh, Nanki Poo! It seems that you are the son of the Mikado! Furrball: Well, that I already know. Now, what do you want this time? Catgut: Your father is here and so is Katisha! Furrball: My father? And with Katisha? Catgut: Yes! Furrball: Hmmm.... I have an idea. If you persuade Katisha to marry you, she won't have my desire to marry me and I can come back to life. (Catgut is shocked.) Catgut: Me, marry Katisha?! Fifi: Well, that is the idea. Catgut: Have you ever seen that woman?! Her face is appalling! Babs: But she does have a nice shoulder blade. Catgut: (To Babs) You're not helping! (To Furrball) My good lad, how do you think your plan will work? Furrball: Well, if you marry Katisha, my existence will be welcomed as the flowers in spring. (Furrball and Fifi dance as the next song begins.) Furrball: (Singing) The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la, bring promise of merry sunshine. As we merrily dance and we sing, tra la, we welcome the hope that they bring, tra la, of the summer of roses and wine, of the summer of roses and wine. And that's what I mean when we say that a thing is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring.... Tra la la la la la, tra la la la la, the flowers that bloom in the spring. All except Catgut: (Singing) Tra la la la la, tra la la la la, tra la la la la la! (Cleopatra and Nose Marie return and everyone else except Catgut dances in a circle. Catgut is frustrated.) Catgut: (Singing) The flowers that bloom in the spring... (stupidly) TRA LA... (normal) have nothing to do with the case! I've got to take under my wing... (stupidly) TRA LA... (normal) a most unattractable thing... (stupidly) TRA LA.... (normally) With a caricature of a face, with a caricature of a face! And that's what I mean when I say or I sing... (stomping his foot) Oh phooey the flowers that bloom in the spring! (Stupidly) Tra la la la la la, tra la la la la! (Stomping his foot again) Oh phooey the flowers of spring! (Everyone else gathers around Catgut as Catgut covers his ears with an annoyed look on his face.) All except Catgut: (Singing) Tra la la la la, tra la la la la la.... (Catgut shrugs.) All: (Singing, with Catgut unamused) Tra la la la la la la! (All except Buster, Elaine and Darius leave.) Darius: Well, there they go. Elaine: Do you two think that Nanki-Poo's plan will work? Darius: I don't know about that. Buster: Well, whether Katisha will marry Ko Ko or not, I guess it really doesn't matter. (The three of them dance in a circle as the next song begins.) Buster: (Singing) Our eyes are fully open to this awkward situation, we should go to the Mikado and make ourselves an oration. We should tell him that beheadings are very harsh executions and we think boiling oil or melted lead are not solutions. Now we do not want to perish by the ax or by the dagger, but a man in Titipu may indulge a little swagger although Ko-Ko and the other two's compliments may flatter, they are gonna die today and so it really doesn't matter. Elaine: (Singing) So it really doesn't matter... Darius: (Singing) So it really doesn't matter... Buster: (Singing) So it really doesn't matter... Elaine: (Singing) So it really doesn't matter... All three: (Singing) So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter matter! (Elaine goes up while Buster and Darius dance in the background.) Elaine: (Singing) If we were not a little mad and generally silly, we should give you our advice upon the subject, willy-nilly. We should show you in a moment how to grapple with the question, And you'd really be astonished at the force of our suggestion. On the subject we shall write you a most valuable scroll, full of excellent suggestions that will have you on a roll, But at present we're afraid we're as mad as any hatter, let's just keep this to ourselves because it really doesn't matter! Buster: (Singing) 'Cause it really doesn't matter.... Darius: (Singing) 'Cause it really doesn't matter.... Elaine: (Singing) 'Cause it really doesn't matter.... Darius: (Singing) 'Cause it really doesn't matter.... All Three: (Singing) 'Cause it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter! (Darius comes upstage while Buster and Elaine dance in the background.) Darius: (Singing) If each of us are lucky as to have a steady brother, who can talk to us as we are talking now to one another who can give us good advice when they discovered we were erring which just the very favor onto you we are conferring. Our existence may have made a very interesting idyll and we might have lived and died a rather decent interwiddle, this particularly rapid unintelligible patter's like that song you from Ruddigore, it really doesn't matter! Buster: (Singing) For it really doesn't matter.... Elaine: (Singing) For it really doesn't matter.... (All three stand together as Buster sits on Elaine and Darius' shoulders.) All three: (Singing and dancing) This particularly rapid unintelligible patter's like that song you've heard from Ruddigore, it really doesn't matter! This particularly rapid unintelligible patter's like that song you've heard from Ruddigore, it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter! (All three bow and leave as the song ends.) Part Three (Michelle enters with a sorrowful look on her face) Michelle: (Sadly) Lonely... and yet I'm still alive. What should do now that my groom-to-be has been executed by that nimrod of an executioner? Where should I find another man?! Where should I find him? (Not far, Furrball, Fifi, Catgut, Babs, and Marcus are watching from a nearby tree.) Furrball: (Whispering to Catgut) There she is. You know what to do. (Catgut slowly goes up to Michelle.) Catgut: Katisha, my love! I want to be your groom! (Michelle turns to Catgut with a look of anger on her face.) Michelle: You! The lowly worm who executed my groom-to-be and now you want to marry me?! (Michelle stomps toward Catgut and gets ready to smack Catgut, but Catgut gets on his knees.) Catgut: Shrink not from me! I did it because I love you with all my heart! Michelle: Nonsense! You executed my prey, (aside with an embarrassed smile on her face) I mean, my pupil (To Catgut, angrily) just so you can keep that infernal title of Lord High Executioner! Catgut: If you will not marry me, then I will depart from this world with this (pulls out a noose) rope! (Michelle, horrified, grabs the rope.) Catgut: Have you not heard of a tale about some unfortunate creature who died about they were denied of love? You know nothing of my plight! Listen.... (Michelle turns away as the next song starts. Furrball puts a paper bird on a tree branch and ducks back behind the tree with the others.) Catgut: (Singing) On a tree by a river, (pointing to the paper bird) a little sparrow sang "Willow, tweet willow, tweet willow!" and I said to him "Little bird, what's your sorrow, singing 'Willow, tweet willow, tweet willow'? Is it weakness of intellect, birdie," I cried. "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?" With a shake of his poor little head, he replied "Oh, willow, tweet willow, tweet willow!" (Michelle notices the bird.) Catgut: (Singing) He slapped at his chest as he sat on that bough, singing "Willow, tweet willow, tweet willow!" And a cold perspiration besprangled his brow, oh willow, tweet willow, tweet willow! He sobbed and he sighed and a gurgle he gave and he plunged himself into the billowy wave... (Michelle starts to cry.) Catgut: (Singing) Then an echo arose from the suicide's grave.... (Furrball drinks some water as Marcus blows some air to knock the paper bird off its branch while the two stay hidden.) Furrball: (Making a gurgling noise and singing) Oh, willow, tweet willow, tweet willow! (Michelle turns to Catgut while sobbing.) Catgut: (Singing) Now, I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name is Willow, tweet willow, tweet willow. It was blighted affection that made him exclaim "Oh willow, tweet willow, tweet willow"! And if you remain callous and obderate, I shall perish as he did and you will know why... (Michelle looks back at the paper bird.) Catgut: (Singing, aside and winking) Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die.... (Michelle turns back to Catgut as Catgut pretends to cry.) Catgut: (Singing) Oh willow, tweet willow, tweet willow! (The song ends as Michelle sobs.) Michelle: (Sobbing) Did he really die out of love? Catgut: He really did. Michelle: (Sobbing) That poor little bird! Catgut: And quite true too. Michelle: (Sobbing) And if I refuse you, will you go and do the same? Catgut: At once! (Michelle quickly goes up to Catgut and hugs him.) Michelle: (Sobbing) No! You must not! Anything but that! Oh, I'm a silly little goose! Catgut: (Under his breathe) You are. Michelle: (Cheers up) And you will marry me because I'm a little, teeny weeny, wee but bloodthirsty, will you? Catgut: Is there not beauty even in bloodthirstiness? (Michelle hugs Catgut harder.) Michelle: My idea exactly! (While Catgut tries to free himself, Furrball and the others high-five quietly as the next song begins.) Michelle: (Singing) There is beauty in the bellow of the blast, there is grandeur in the growling of the gale, we will make our wedding vows, with the crocodile's growl and the gator is (swinging her tail) a lashing of his tail. Catgut: (Singing) Yes, I'll see the crocodile on the banks of the Nile and especially the lashing of his tail! Michelle: (Singing) Volcanoes have a splendor that is grim, and earthquakes only terrify the dolts, but to him that's scientific, there's nothing that's terrific than the falling of the flight of thunderbolts. Catgut: (Singing) Yes, in spite of all my meekness, if I have a little weakness, it's a passion of a flight of thunderbolts... Both: (Singing) If that is so, sing dally down derry, it's evident, very, our tastes are one. Away we'll go in merriment marry, no tardily tarry 'til the day is done! (The two dance around.) Catgut: (Singing) There is beauty in extreme old age, do you fancy that you're elderly enough? Information I'm requesting, on the subject interesting, is the maiden all the better when she's tough? Michelle: (Singing) Throughout the wide dominion, it's the general opinion that she'll last a good deal longer when she's tough. Catgut: (Singing) Are you old enough to marry, don't you think? Won't you wait until you're eighty in the shade? There's a fascination frantic in a rumor that's romantic, do you think you are sufficiently decayed? Michelle: (Singing) To the matter that you mention, I have given some attention and I think that sufficiently decayed! Both: (Singing) If that is so, sing dally down derry, it's evident, very, our tastes are one. Away we'll go in merriment marry, no tardily tarry 'til the day is done! If that is so, sing dally down derry, it's evident, very, our tastes are one. Away we'll go in merriment marry, no tardily tarry 'til the day is done! Sing dally down derry, we'll merrily marry, nor tardily tarry 'til the day is done! (The two dance once more and leave. Furrball, Fifi, Marcus, and Babs come out, congratulate each other and leave as the song ends. Cary and Celia, accompanied by the rest of the cast(Except Furrball, Fifi, Marcus, Catgut, Babs, and Michelle) enter.) Cary: Now then, we had a delicious lunch, and we're ready. Have all the painful preparations been prepared? Buster, Elaine, Cooler, Nose Marie, Darius, Gamma, and Cleopatra: Your majesty, all is prepared. Cary: Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two well-meaning but misguided accomplices. (Michelle, Catgut, Babs, and Marcus enter.) Michelle: Mercy, your majesty? Cary: I'm sorry? Michelle: Mercy for Ko Ko! (Catgut bows.) Michelle: Mercy for Pitti Sing! (Babs bows.) Michelle: Mercy even for Pooh Bah! (Marcus bows.) Michelle: My husband that was to have been is dead and I have married Ko Ko, the Lord High Executioner, instead. Cary and Celia: Well, that was quick. Cary: But you see our difficulty that the Heir Apparent.... (Furrball and Fifi enter.) Furrball: Is not dead, dear father. (All notice Furrball and Fifi and cheer(with the exception of Catgut and Michelle, whose faces fall.) Cary and Celia: Bless our hearts! Our son! Fifi: And your daughter-in-law elect. (Catgut angrily walks up to Furrball.) Catgut: Why you little....! (Michelle grabs him and starts shaking him.) Michelle: (Angry) You traitor! You lied to me! (Cary stops Michelle.) Cary: Yes, you are entitled for an explanation, rather in whole than in pieces. Catgut: You see, it's like this. It's true that I said that I killed your son.... Cary: Yes, with most affecting particulars. Marcus: Merely collaborative details to give.... Catgut: (To Marcus) Aw, shut up! (Marcus says nothing else.) Catgut: (To Cary) As I was saying, when you say that something must be done, it's as good as done, practically done, because your will is the law. You said "behead someone" and that someone is told off to be beheaded. Consequently, that someone is as good as dead, and if he is dead, then why not say so? Cary: I see..... (All pause.) Cary: (Smiling) Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory! (Furrball and Fifi hug each other as the last song begins.) Babs: (Singing) For he's gone and married Yum Yum... All: (Singing) Yum Yum! Babs: (Singing, to Catgut) Your angry, pray bury, for all who are merry, I think you have better succumb. All: (Singing) Come come! Babs: (Singing) And join our expressions of glee. Catgut: (Singing, to Furrball and Fifi) On this subject, I pray you be dumb! All: (Singing) Dumb dumb! Catgut: (Singing) Your notions, though many, are not worth a penny. The word of your guidance is mum. All: (Singing) Mum mum! Catgut: (Singing) This is not a good bargain for me! (Michelle lovingly embraces Catgut. Catgut shrugs to the camera, smiles and hugs her back.) Ensemble: (Singing) On this subject we pray you be dumb, dumb dumb, the word of your guidance is mum, mum mum, you'll find there are many who'd wed for a penny, who'd wed for a penny, there's lots of good fish in the sea, there are lots of good fish in the sea! (Furrball, Fifi, Catgut, Michelle, Cary, Celia, Buster, Babs, Marcus, Elaine, Nose Marie, Cooler, Darius, Cleopatra, and Gamma step upstage.) Furrball: (Singing) The threatening cloud has passed away! Fifi: (Singing) And brightly shines the dawning day! Furrball: (Singing) What though the night may come to soon.... Fifi: (Singing) We've years and years of honeymoon! Furrball, Fifi, Catgut, Michelle, Cary, Celia, Buster, Babs, Marcus, Elaine, Nose Marie, Cooler, Darius, Cleopatra, and Gamma: (Singing) Then let the throng of joy advance, with laughing song and merry dance! Then let the throng of joy advance, with laughing song and merry dance, with laughing song and merry dance, with laughing song! All: (Singing) With joyous shout, with joyous shout and ringing cheer, inaugurate, inaugurate their new career! (Everyone dances around. While the men sing "With joyous shout, with joyous shout and ringing cheer, inaugurate their new career! With joyous shout, with joyous shout and ringing cheer, inaugurate their new career! With song and dance...", The women sing "With joyous shout and ringing, with joyous, joyous shout, with laughing song and merry dance, with laughing and merry dance.".) All: (Singing) With song and dance! (All dance for the rest of the song. The song ends and everyone bows as the curtain closes and Calamity finishes conducting. Calamity then pulls out a sign saying "I didn't get a line!".) Curtain Call (The curtains rise and the last part of the overture from earlier starts playing. The ensemble bows first, then the minor characters, then Gamma, Cooler, Nose Marie, Buster, Cleopatra, Darius, Babs, Marcus, and Elaine, then Cary and Celia, then Michelle and Catgut, and finally Furrball and Fifi. Calamity Coyote joins the cast and bows as the audience applauds. The cast bows again and wave goodbye to the audience) The End Category:Fan Fiction Category:Fan made episodes Category:Crossovers Category:What If's Category:Fan Made Story Arc Episodes